I'm a divorced, father of two teenagers and have been divorced for 14 years. When I first got divorced I thought it was very important for me to spend as much quality time with my kids as possible, especially since I only saw them part-time. When it was my weekend with my kids, I rarely ever did anything with anyone but them. Occasionally I would be in a relationship and we would get a babysitter, but that was so seldom I could probably count those times on one hand. My friend John is the same way. He has been divorced probably 10 years now and is just like me about spending time with other people on his weekend with the kids. I basically sacrificed being single in my 30's for time with my kids. Not that I didn't have any relationships because I did. But none of them ever panned out for me. That wasn't my priority. But I wouldn't change that at all. I loved watching my kids grow up and trying to be a good dad for them. My entire identity for as long as I can remember was about how good a father I am/was. John is still single as well and has probably dated less than I have. Our focus was definitely on making sure our kids knew they had loving fathers, and that's a good thing.
Now that we're both in our 40s and our kids are in high school, we find ourselves alone a lot. Is it possible that we could've been good fathers and still maintained strong relationships with our kids? Our kids are awesome and I attribute much of that to them having strong fathers who gave them the love they needed while they were growing up. But now that I don't see them very much I find myself in an awkward state of mind. I no longer know how to date. It's much easier for me to just go out with a buddy or stay home than it is for me to call a girl and ask her out. I'm not sure if that's even how it's done these days. I met my last girlfriend on the internet, but it's such an impersonal, sterile environment to meet someone. We were together for 3 years and called it quits almost a year ago. I haven't been on a date since then (except for an occasional lunch date with a friend of mine who is also divorced and spends all her free time with her kids). That's a year, folks! And a year (at my age) is a precious thing!
When I talk to my kids, it seems as though kids don't "date" anymore. They "hook up" or "hang out". (I hope "hook up" doesn't mean the same thing it meant when I was in high school!) In other words, they go out with friends and meet other friends out. They hang out in groups until they gradually separate themselves from the group with someone else from the group and become a couple. What if you're 44 and don't have a group anymore?? What is it that women in their 30s and 40s are looking for? (I'd say 20s, but at my age that may be pushing my limits a little!) How do you meet them? Part of the problem is that there aren't many places to meet women in their 30s and 40s in Salina. I refuse to "hook up" with a girl I've met at a bar. My church doesn't have many single women around that age, and that's kind of awkward for me too. I try to be involved in the Community Theater as often as possible, but most of the women who do that are also married or just too young.
Any ideas? Please comment...I'd really like to know!
15 comments:
Bookstores and readings are all the rage here in Seattle. But the female to male ratio there is perhaps 70/3o. Depending on whether or not a particular authur is there, you might find yourself the only male. Also you chances of meeting a woman in your age group is higher there than in a bar. Hope this helps!
Thanks for your comment, Angie! I've always wanted to visit Seattle, and actually have a good friend who lives there. The ratio of men/women is just the opposite here. I have always believed that I didn't really fit the "Kansas mold" where most men are farmers or blue collar workers with a pretty conservative mindset. Unfortunately, I've lived here most of my life!
When thinking about asking a woman out at my age, I often think back to that scene from "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks finally gets up the nerve to call up the only woman his age he can think of. It's such a hard thing to do. Do you ever get up the courage to ask a man out on a date? If so, do you find it difficult?
It's been over a year since I posted this blog, but still have difficulty dating. I've dated a few times since then...one for several months, but who lived in Kansas City. It doesn't get any easier, and with each birthday I feel the pressure to get something going 'cause I'm running out of time!
Seriously? You are the ultimate Dad, you are confortable at home, but want to get out and do stuff, you go to Church and the Theatre, and you've seen Sleepless in Seatle enough to practically quote scenes?
I think that we should meet at the top of the Empire State Building this Valentine's day!
Seriously? You are the ultimate Dad, you are confortable at home, but want to get out and do stuff, you go to Church and the Theatre, and you've seen Sleepless in Seatle enough to practically quote scenes?
I think that we should meet at the top of the Empire State Building this Valentine's day!
I've always loved that scene from Sleepless in Seattle! (By the way, how did you know I've seen that movie enough to practically quote scenes?)
I would love to meet you at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentines Day! If only I knew who you were...
Hi
Well at least one thing...it is good to know I am not the only one finding dating and meeting people of the opposite sex difficult. Between three young kids, work, study and trying to keep some kind of fitness level.I barely have time to scratch myself. Maybe dating in my 50's will be more promising! Good luck with all. Sandra
So, now that you are ready to date, you can understand the cynycism of some women who will recognize you as that person who they dated in their 30's who wasted their precious time looking for the appropriate man at the end of their child bearing years. I am glad that you are now focused, but please date someone who had kids the same time that you did. You will probably understand each other better than people who had their time wasted, potentially not ever having kids because of it.
It seems to me that, unfortunately, you may still be a little cynical due to a bad experience you had. I don't think I wasted anyone's precious child bearing years simply because my own children are important to me. First of all, I don't think any woman who may still want children would want to be with a man to whom his own children were NOT his priority. Each woman I dated knew from day one how important my children are to me, and many told me that was one of the main reasons they were with me. My relationships never dissolved because my relationship wasn't important. They were always important; but these woman were not family at that point and could not expect to be as important to me as my own flesh and blood. The relationships dissolved due to other factors; some that were my own fault...some faults were not mine. At any rate...I only dated one woman for longer than a few months, so if I was a waste of their time, it wasn't very much time. The one I dated for 3 years is still plenty young enough to have more children if she so chooses. We talked about it on several occasions and she said she was happy with the child she has and didn't want more. I do not feel guilty in the least and have always been more than forthright with woman before becoming involved.
My guess is that you may have been in a bad long-term relationship with a man in your 30s, and feel that you wasted that time. I'm sorry that happened to you. Please try not to be so jaded and cynical. Most of us would never do that to a woman on purpose; sometimes things just don't work out the way you both hope they will when you become involved. Cynicism will only continue to make you unhappy and searching for a man that may never come.
I do wish you better luck in the future and much happiness.
Also, (and this is to all my friends who post messages here) I understand why some people would choose to be "Anonymous" in their posts. But if you truly believe in what you say and are not ashamed of it, why hide your identity? My identity is posted for all to see. Please consider doing the same when responding to my blog. Thank you.
There are so many options availble to have a child, so I don't feel anyone should say men or women have wasted there time. From every experience we learn. So really, nothing has been wasted. Yes this is coming from a woman with children who's marriage didn't work. Regardles of all the hardships I never have I regreted having my children or leaving my husband. What I guess I am saying is if you want a child have one or a dozen, sometimes the man or woman we breed with, turns out to be not what we expected anyway. I know how we all want the perfect life with beautiful children and a loving partener but lets face it, it is a dream these days. Grab hold of what you want, loose the regret and start loving your life. Maybe down the track the rest will fall into place.
Change your mindset. You aren't asking a woman on a date, you want to try the new Mexican place and would she keep you company? There are no expectations except to comment on the quality of the margaritas.
This works for antique shops, toy stores, book signings, whatever. It's all in the phrasing and implied expectations.
You can ask friends, friends of friends, people at work, anyone who might have time for an outing.
You know...I think you hit the nail on the head! I guess the thought of going on a "date" always intimidated me. I think of that initial phone call (remember Tom Hanks in "Sleepless in Seattle" when he got up enough nerve to ask that first lady out? How did we get back to "Sleepless in Seattle"?) and it immediately gets me nervous. Maybe a different mindset...approach to the call would make making that call much easier for me! Thanks for the comment!
Well, if you ever do come to Seattle, I know this great place for margaritas, and we can talk about how amusing this whole 'dating as an adult' thing is.
(sorry about the anonymous thing earlier, I hadn't read your request to stand behind your word.)
I've always wanted to go to Seattle. I will definitely let you know if I do!
I am 47...though it's hard to believe. Here is an idea on how to meet people. Look back on your high school days, or just in your past and think through who was important at that time and see if youcan find them via an internet sight, (like Facebook). A friend from 26 yrs ago found me on facebook. We are both single again and enjoy talking and rehashing our dating days. Who knows where this will go, but it is certainly enjoyable and we have a history to start great conversations from.
Thank you for your comment. I have met many old friends from high school through Facebook. It's fun...although I haven't dated any of them. I'm exactly your age, by the way. Where did you go to high school?
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