Forgiveness

Forgiveness. We've heard about it since we were little kids. We've been taught forgiveness at church, from our parents, from our teachers, and yet it's still such a hard thing for people to do. To TRULY forgive someone (to me) means that we are able to stop feeling resentment or anger towards someone for something we feel the other has done to harm them and to FORGET about what happened and go on with your life. To truly put aside any feelings of illwill towards the other person for that offense. To forget about that wrong and go on without feeling that resentment.

That's the hard part, isn't it? To forget. I'll admit, it's been very hard for me to forgive some people in my life. Many people say they have forgiven others, but have they forgotten enough to be able to go on with their lives as if the offense didn't happen? When they see that person again, do they still have those lingering feelings of anger or resentment? Do they still bring it up occasionally when something happens that reminds them of the incident? I can be accused of that and I was wrong each time I did it. But why do some people have such a hard time moving past those things and going forward with their life? Life is hard enough without harboring old resentments and anger.

I don't know the answer of how to forgive and forget. But I know that Jesus forgave his persecutors that hung him on the cross. I will try my best to truly forgive all those who have hurt me. I hope those who feel I have hurt them will let me know how they feel, and then try their best to forgive me.

One week to go!

Well...one week to go on my purification diet! Woo Hoooo! I'm not sure exactly how much I've lost to date because I haven't checked since last Wednesday. As of last Wednesday, I was down to 190 which means that I had lost 9 pounds after 10 days on the diet. My hopeful guess is that I am at about 186 now, but that may be a little optimistic. I've cheated a few times this weekend...mostly by drinking alcohol. But I still feel great and am getting a lot of complements on my weight loss. Even Shelbi's friend told her today that she didn't realize what a good-lookin' dad she had! She told me when I came out to her car that she thought I was Jordan! Funny!

The downside is that I've started smoking a little. I've been a little down lately regarding some issues with my ex-girlfriend and that evening she just happened to call and we got into an argument. As I was already feeling pretty crappy, that made me even more depressed and I bought a pack. Well...one cigarette led to another and I'm smoking about 5 a day now....more when I go out. I'll tackle quitting smoking as soon as this diet is over. One goal at a time!

Chili Cook-off

I forgot to post this the other day, so I thought I'd do it now. My family, minus Shelbi :( , went to the chili cook-off at (what used to be called-and not sure what it's called now) Santa Fe Days on Saturday. The weather was perfect! It has turned into a very well-attended Salina event that lasts most of the day beginning with a downtown parade first thing in the morning. But the chili cook-off has become a tradition for me each year. We just LOVE tasting all the different varieties of homemade chili! I did miss having Shelbi, Angelina and Marquix with us this year, but it was still a good time. The only thing I hated about it this year, is that I couldn't taste any of the chili!!! I am on my purification diet, so all I could do was smell the glorious aroma of that wonderful chili! Also, The New Dawn Singers (Jordan's high school singing group) performed and did a wonderful job! I think they are as good or better than last year, and last year's group was the best I'd ever heard! Peace!

The Producers Final Curtain

Today, we did our last show of The Producers at SCT. The experience was bittersweet for me and most everyone involved. You're glad to finally have some free time in the evenings and weekends, but you hate to say goodbye to all your new friends.

What a great experience it was! Although the audiences weren't as large as everyone hoped, the experience for everyone involved was one we will not soon forget. Of all the shows I've done in the past, this one was probably the best. My only regret is that more people didn't come to see it. It was a very veteran and close knit cast of people from all walks of life that came together each evening and just had a great time! It was the first play that my friend Gary Demuth and I have done together for several years. But I also made several new friends that I hope to call my friends for many years to come. I want to thank everyone who had a part in putting this production together and especially the other cast members for being so amazingly positive and fun throughout the entire run from rehearsals until the final curtain. I love you all and hope to see you again real soon!

Dating in your 40s

I'm a divorced, father of two teenagers and have been divorced for 14 years. When I first got divorced I thought it was very important for me to spend as much quality time with my kids as possible, especially since I only saw them part-time. When it was my weekend with my kids, I rarely ever did anything with anyone but them. Occasionally I would be in a relationship and we would get a babysitter, but that was so seldom I could probably count those times on one hand. My friend John is the same way. He has been divorced probably 10 years now and is just like me about spending time with other people on his weekend with the kids. I basically sacrificed being single in my 30's for time with my kids. Not that I didn't have any relationships because I did. But none of them ever panned out for me. That wasn't my priority. But I wouldn't change that at all. I loved watching my kids grow up and trying to be a good dad for them. My entire identity for as long as I can remember was about how good a father I am/was. John is still single as well and has probably dated less than I have. Our focus was definitely on making sure our kids knew they had loving fathers, and that's a good thing.

Now that we're both in our 40s and our kids are in high school, we find ourselves alone a lot. Is it possible that we could've been good fathers and still maintained strong relationships with our kids? Our kids are awesome and I attribute much of that to them having strong fathers who gave them the love they needed while they were growing up. But now that I don't see them very much I find myself in an awkward state of mind. I no longer know how to date. It's much easier for me to just go out with a buddy or stay home than it is for me to call a girl and ask her out. I'm not sure if that's even how it's done these days. I met my last girlfriend on the internet, but it's such an impersonal, sterile environment to meet someone. We were together for 3 years and called it quits almost a year ago. I haven't been on a date since then (except for an occasional lunch date with a friend of mine who is also divorced and spends all her free time with her kids). That's a year, folks! And a year (at my age) is a precious thing!

When I talk to my kids, it seems as though kids don't "date" anymore. They "hook up" or "hang out". (I hope "hook up" doesn't mean the same thing it meant when I was in high school!) In other words, they go out with friends and meet other friends out. They hang out in groups until they gradually separate themselves from the group with someone else from the group and become a couple. What if you're 44 and don't have a group anymore?? What is it that women in their 30s and 40s are looking for? (I'd say 20s, but at my age that may be pushing my limits a little!) How do you meet them? Part of the problem is that there aren't many places to meet women in their 30s and 40s in Salina. I refuse to "hook up" with a girl I've met at a bar. My church doesn't have many single women around that age, and that's kind of awkward for me too. I try to be involved in the Community Theater as often as possible, but most of the women who do that are also married or just too young.

Any ideas? Please comment...I'd really like to know!

Day One Down

Well...Day 1 of my purification diet is almost history. My friend Dean, who told me about the diet and lost 25 pounds on it, recommended I start today or even after the play ended because he said my stomach may not take it to well for the first few days. I was originally planning on Saturday.

For those of you who aren't aware of what a purification diet does, it completely rids your body of toxins that have built up over time, completely cleansing your liver, kidneys, skin, etc., and best of all losing weight! It can even cure certain ailments such as headaches, bone and muscle aches and pains, etc. You end up tasting your food better, having more energy, feeling like you're 25 again! (Or so I've been told.) Basically, you eat nothing but fresh or frozen vegetables and fruits for 21 days. After 10 days, you can eat a little meat, but only minimal. The shakes you drink and nutritional supplements give you the nutrients you may be missing and help to flush your system.

I got pretty hungry this afternoon. I had an egg and vegetable omelette for lunch (you can eat egg periodically for protein) and a banana and shake for breakfast. But I didn't eat at all until 7:30 and was starved by then! (I ate steamed brocholi, onions and brussel sprouts.) Plus, Anne Hokestra had her 30th birthday today at the theater, and there were two cakes. Everyone was eating away, and I had to just sit and imagine what it might taste like! LOL

I was proud of myself though. It really is a "one day at a time" thing for me. I love eating meat and fast food. That's part of the problem. I had actually lost 10 pounds over the past month by cutting back on fast food, working out daily, and eating more fruits and veges. I was trying to prepare my body for this diet. Hopefully, I can lost another 10-20 pounds. Dean said I can expect to lose a pound a day on this diet. We'll see! Wish me luck!

Times Change

Times change and you adapt. My life is changing by the minute. Some good...some bad. But you live, learn, adapt, and make your life better. Most of you who dare to read this blog know that I have been struggling with the loss of a loved one. A woman I loved dearly has chosen to go on with her life without me. I'm saddened by it, but also know that people must do what they feel they need to do for themselves in order to survive this strange and wonderful world we live in. It will be tough for me, but I will support her as her friend.

My kids are in high school now, and that means I'm alone A LOT! Shelbi has a new job, cheerleading and a new boyfriend (that's a whole other conversation!) so she spends a lot of time with him and Jordan has work, theater, and his music to occupy his time. Dad just isn't as important as he was when they were in grade school. But I will continue to try to spend what time I can with them and go to as many of their activities as I can. I'm just so thankful that my kids have a good head on their shoulders and do their best to make good decisions.

Another change going on in my life is I am starting a purification diet this week. It will help me to rid my body of all its toxins and allow me to lose some weight in the process. Now, I'm not fat, but I could stand to lose a few pounds. It's that middle age, middle section 20. I've actually lost about 10 pounds over the past few weeks just eating right and exercising. But this will allow me to lose as many as 20-25 pounds in 3 weeks and purify my body at the same time. It's going to be tough at times, but I figure it's only 3 weeks out of my life. Hopefully, through proper diet and exercise, I can keep the weight off permenantly.
As always...I welcome your comments!

Fashion Show

I thought I'd post a few photos of my son, Jordan, at the Central Mall Fall Fashion Show yesterday. He sure takes after his old man, doesn't he?

Choices

Do you ever yearn so much for something that you can't have? Do you ever feel that you know what you need to do, but it's just so hard because doing it means you're giving up something you yourself desire for the sake of another person's needs. Do you ever feel like the choices before you aren't very good? You can choose to satisfy your own selfish needs and cause unhappiness for another or you can sacrifice your own happiness in order to give someone theirs. I know what Jesus would say. But doing it is so much harder than being selfish. I guess I should just be happy for the other person and try to remember all the things I have that God has blessed me with and be thankful. Sometimes I feel my whole life just slipping through my fingers as if all I once had was just an illusion: the girl, the happy family, the life you always wanted. I just feel at such a loss these days. I want to hold on to that life as long as I can, but doing it is only alienating the one person I want to hold onto. The hardest part is letting go of the friendship. But maybe by letting go I might someday have the friendship. Let her go Alex. Let that life go. Show your love by making her happiness more important than your own.

Cast Party

We had our first cast party for "The Producers" last night at my house and it turned out to be a lot of fun. I'm still recovering, I think. We ended up partying until about 3 a.m. Bill Brown (aka. Max Bialystock) turned out to be the life of the party, as we all knew he would. Thanks to all who came and to Mom and Jordan for helping to get the party ready for my guests.

Opening Night!!!

Tonight was Sponsor's Night at The Salina Community Theater (SCT) for the Mel Brook's comedy "The Producers". We've been in rehearsals 5 nights a week for 6 weeks getting ready for this show, and if tonight is any indication, it'll be a smashing success! The audience was about two-thirds to three-forths full, but really seemed to enjoy it. You know a crowd enjoys a show when you get an immediate standing ovation, which we received tonight. Most shows get "standing O's", but some are somewhat obligatory where everyone waits to see if someone will be the first to stand...you know, you've been to one of those before. Mom and Dad came tonight and really seemed to love the show. They were still laughing at my costume as Roger Debris' Costume Designer, Kevin. The cast still laughs at me when they see me in it! It's hilarious! The cast is as tight a cast as I've ever worked with. In fact, we probably could have opened last weekend we were so far ahead of where most casts are for their first show.

Tomorrow is the official "Opening Night" of the show. If you read this and haven't got your tickets yet, you'd better not wait too long. When word of how good this show is gets out, tickets will sell quickly. To get tickets, call the theater at 785-827-3033 or order online at www.salinatheatre.com.

Losing a Friend

I lost my best friend today. She may not have always thought of me as her best friend, but I always thought of her that way. It's like a death really. We didn't always see eye to eye on things, but I could always count on her to be my eyes when I couldn't see...my ears when I couldn't hear...my heart when I couldn't feel. If only there was a way to turn back time and let her know exactly what that meant to me...how much her friendship meant to me. Life won't be the same without her.

Obama vs. McCain

I know my blogs recently have been more focused on relationships, but today I want to talk about politics.

I heard on NPR today, that most polls have John McCain even with Barack Obama. One even had him 10 points AHEAD of Obama! Now, I've never considered myself necessarily brilliant or even terribly smart, although I'm not stupid. Here's our choice (as I see it). We've got an extremely intelligent, articulate young senator who has worked his whole life trying to help improve our society from the grassroots level on up. He runs on a platform of change and has articulated his ideas in a way that show he has the what it takes to give America the positive change we're seeking.

Then we have John McCain...a senator who has spent most of his adult life as a Washington insider who also is running on a platform of change (or so he says). Now, how can an aging Senator who has spent so many years as an insider in Washington and who has voted WITH President Bush 90% of the time say he's serious about changing Washington? His economic policy is nearly identical to that of the current president...giving tax relief to the highest income Americans hoping that the money he saves them will trickle down to the middle and lower classes. He wants to continue spending billions of dollars in a failed war in Iraq while our own schools and streets crumble and unemployment is at a 6 year high. Then he brings in a young, attractive woman as a running mate hoping that he will somehow manage to buffoon people into thinking she's going to help him bring about change in Washington. Seriously? How much power do you really think the vice president has anyway? And with the age of McCain (he's over 70 and the oldest nominated presidential candidate in U.S. history), and the stress involved in being President of the United States, it is likely he may not live long enough to see the end of his FIRST term.

It doesn't make sense, does it? McCain spent the past 6 months talking about Obama's lack of experience as a reason NOT to vote for him and then he picks a VP candidate with MUCH less experience (not to speak of ZERO foreign policy experience) just because he thinks the American people will be taken in with her beauty and charm. He's grasping at straws hoping for any possible way of winning this election. Have we all forgotten how a Republican Congress and President failed so miserably the past 8 years? Have we forgotten how we have spent hundreds of billions of dollars in a war that we shouldn't have started in the first place? Have we forgotten how people are making less money today than they made 8 years ago? Have we forgotten how our poor don't receive proper healthcare because most are uninsured? Are we willing to risk another four years on a man who says he wants change, but everything he says shows us it's really just more of the same old Washington?

Now think about that bright, young senator from Illinois and his optimistic ideas for change in Washington. Think about how articulate he is and how hard he has always worked for the common man throughout his life. Think about how he is a self-made man from very humble beginnings.

Now....imagine that he's white.

I still believe that, unfortunately, far too many Americans are still unwilling to vote for an African-American candidate for President. It's not an experience issue for them; if it was, then they wouldn't be willing to vote for a ticket with a VP candidate who's no more prepared than, say, Salina's 3-term Mayor, Alan Jilka, to serve as President of the U.S., and who is just a heartbeat away from doing just that.

The Beach Museum Show

What a weekend! Les had his Beach Museum fund-raiser show at the KSU Alumni Center on Friday. Last year's event was so successful that they asked him back again. In attendance were many well-known K-Staters such as President and Mrs. Wefald, Coach Bill and Sharon Snyder (who, I believe, is primarily responsible for the event), Mr. K-State himself...Ernie Barrett and his wife, and many, many others. Everyone was so very nice and seemed to really like the show. I must say, Les really has done a nice job at this event. Both of his shows are some of the best I've seen him do. I think he feels at home there.

What was nice too, was that along with Mom, Dad, and Jordan being there, Les's friends Harvey Hubert, Stasha Case, Shaun Culley and Dave Harris came to see him. Harvey is a friend of Les's from his days at Worlds of Fun, and Stasha and Dave were in the K-State Singers with Les. I haven't seen Dave for 20 years! Shaun is Les's long time friend from grade school but didn't stick around for the after party. Karen Hight was also supposed to come, but got sick. :( After the show, we all went out for a few too many drinks and stayed at the hotel across the street from the Alumni Center. I love the dress up events where you get dressed up, have a nice dinner and drinks, and get to dance with your honey. It made me miss having a honey to dance with! :(

Up the Ying Yang!

Okay...I'm trying to be friends with my ex-girlfriend because I still love her like family and probably always will. She really is a wonderful, caring, and thoughtful person and I've always thought we would have made great friends had we not become intimate first. However, she has a new boyfriend that's 11 years younger than her and 20 years younger than me! Anyway...she says that as her friend I should be willing and able to listen to her talk about her boyfriend and even meet him. The problem I'm having is (first of all) I'm not ready to meet him. (Duh! He's probably having sex with the woman I thought I'd marry someday!) Secondly, she's always talking about him as if he's the greatest thing since Tony Bennett and is perfect for her. I feel the insinuation is that I was not good enough and all these specific things he does are things I should've done. Is it just me, or is she asking a little much of me at this point. I just asked her a few weeks ago whether or not she thought we should try again, and she said she was happy where she is now. I really do want her to be happy. I guess I just wanted her to be happy with me! I'm just having a very difficult time listening to her talk about what a great guy he is all the time. I guess the wound is still a little fresh for me. Let me stress this one thing...I do really want to be a friend to her and really do consider her part of my family. But does she expect too much of me right now? Am I wrong? Am I just being jealous? Am I being selfish? I don't know if anyone reads this thing, but I really want to know! Help!

PS. With my luck...she will be the only one to read this and will reply "Anonymously" and say I should just take it up the ying yang like a good little boy! Ha!

Reflective moments...

Okay...I admit, I'm a forty-something probably in the middle of some sort of mid-life crisis or something of the sort. But I've been unusually reflective these days. Could it be because I've been having trouble with my teenage daughter recently or the fact that my son graduates from high school at the end of this year? Maybe it's just the stage of life I'm in. Whether you're a man or a woman, you've probably had reflective moments in your life where you've wondered if you've been a good parent or spouse or provider. You may have wondered what you could have done differently to save your relationship with a spouse or child or friend. All I know, is I'm smack-dab in the middle of a very reflective moment in my life. A life-altering moment, really. I lost a woman I loved with all my heart and feel like I'm about to lose a daughter who is the world to me. And for all I know, I've already lost a son who shows no signs of it, but who may someday come to me and say, "Dad, why were you always so critical?" or "Dad, why weren't you more loving with me?" All I know, is that I want the people in my life whom I love the most to know that it is of no fault of their own that they feel the way they do about their relationship with me. Although I have loved them with every fiber of my being, I didn't always know the proper way to show them that. I wasn't always the positive, life-affirming man that I wanted to be. But that I have always loved them with all that I am and will continue to try to be the best father, friend, partner that I can be. And that I WANT to know when it is I have strayed from being that person that they want me to be. When I'm sixty-something, I don't want anymore regrets for not being the kind of man God expected me to be. I want to be all that anyone could ever expect me to be.

It was a tough week...

This past week was one of the toughest I can remember in awhile. Without getting too personal, there are just a lot of things on my mind...family, work, relationships, and life in general. Somedays it's just hard to get out of bed. Then you wind up in a downward spiral that can lead to depression, but it's hard to stop the momentum. Let's see if I can work my way out of it this week! I do have a goal of getting back into shape. I actually had someone ask me if I'd lost some weight. I think they were just being nice. But I'm determined to get my mind and body back into shape!

On a positive note...my sister, Christel, and her husband, Paul, had a baby boy last week. His name is Christian Gunter Brosi. I can't wait to go to Minnesota to see him! Below is a picture. Have a great week!

GREASE is the word!

My son, Jordan, is in the musical "Grease" which opens this weekend at The Salina Community Theatre. It's part of Summer Stage theater for young people and stars the most talented group of teenagers in Salina. Jordan plays the part of Doody which is the young, naive, greaser in the T-Birds. Most of you know that I had the opportunity to play in Grease twice in my life. I played Kenicke in college and Danny Zuko in 1999 at SCT. It's the most fun I've ever had on stage, and I can tell Jordan's having a lot of fun with it as well. What's kind of funny, is that Jordan is going to also be involved in the musical "The Music Man" at South High this year. The Music Man was the first leading role I ever had when I was a junior at South and I've also played the same role of Harold Hill in 2001 at SCT. So, Jordan's kind of getting the opportunity to do some of the same plays I have done. I think he has a good chance at playing Harold Hill at South as well.

All Alone...

Well...I feel all alone right now. My son just left for LALA land with his uncle and my parents left for Holland a week ago. Shelbi's in town still, but at her mom's house. I am watching Mom's dog Jojo, and there's always Maggie (my dog)...but it's not quite the same as having my son around. What the heck am I gonna do when he goes off to school! Thank God for the Smoky Hill River Festival starting tomorrow! At least I'll be able to spend some time with friends. But I'm sure I'll miss my family being around at the festival though. Oh well.

Play del Carmen Pictures

Well...I said I would post some pictures of my trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico and I finally got them from Les. Check them out!