45 going on 40

Tomorrow's my birthday. I don't really care much for birthdays anymore. It'll be 45 years for me, and my mind still thinks I'm 35. (I was gonna say 25, but then I just erased all the awesome years I've had with my kids!) Time sure is funny, isn't it? I still remember laying in bed one night when I was 14 and thinking about going to high school next year. I was so nervous about going to school with all the big kids my sister Carola's age! I just remember thinking how four years of high school seemed like an eternity at that time! It's also funny how your perspective on time changes as you grow older!

The last few years haven't been very good for me unfortunately. I think in my mind the thought of growing old and my kids leaving home started creeping into my subconsious. It may have even contributed to many of the arguments my former girlfriend and I had over that time (not "may have"..."did") which eventually led to our separation. I was unhappy; unhappy thinking about growing older and unhappy thinking about losing my kids who have been my life the past 18 years. I finally realized this year that I was dealing with a major mid-life crisis. I had always heard about it, but just thought it was men in their 40s who bought Corvettes and had affairs. I guess that's just how some men deal with it.

Recently, however, I've started coming to grips with where I am in my life. Although it still saddens me terribly to think of my little kids moving away from dad soon, I've realized that the old expression that "you're only as old as you feel" is really true. I decided that if I was going to feel better about where I was in life, it was up to me, and me alone. I lost weight and started working out consistently. I'm trying to start a band again, which I've always wanted to do. I'm dating a real nice girl who I think really likes me regardless of my age and I really like her too (even though she's still just a kid at 33!) Now, I feel so much better, I look better, and realize that it's true...you ARE only as old as you feel. Forty-five's not so bad! I feel better than I did 5 years ago anyway, and that's a good start! Hello 45....look out 50!

My daughter, Shelbi, turns 16 on Monday. That's right, "Sweet 16 and never..." oh well, I guess she's at least sweet 16, even if I know for a fact she HAS been kissed! Shelbi is my youngest. Jordan is now 18 and leaving home soon for the Little Apple in Manhattan to go to K-State. Shelbi is not far behind. When I think of these things happening I sometimes feel a rush of emotion build up that I can't help. My two wonderful little kids have grown up right before my eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop it! But if I could, would I? There's a question for you! Sometimes I long so much to see my little 8 year-old Shelbi again. That little girl with the glint in her eye everytime she looks at her dad. Oh how I loved that look in her eye! Now, she's got a boyfriend that gives her that glint and she rarely has time to spend with good 'ol dad anymore. Jordan is so busy with his senior year in school that dad isn't much more than the housekeeper that washes his clothes and sometimes feeds him when he has time to stop and eat. But if I could turn back the hands of time, would I? I so enjoy watching my kids turn into adults! I'm always amazed at what wonderful young adults they've become! I guess it just seems to all have flown by so fast that I realize how much of their youth I missed and wish I could have some of it back.