Dating at Forty

Dating at Forty

Current mood: hopeful
Category: Romance and Relationships

Dating at forty-something is so hard for me. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it just feels so awkward; nothing like twenty- or thirty-something. Meeting new people. Awkward conversation. Asking her out. Where do you take her? How do you read her? What is she looking for in a man? Is she someone you could like enough to keep dating? The first kiss. That's one of the hardest things for me. Do you kiss on the first date? If you don't, what will they think? If you do, what will they think? Tongue....no tongue? When (or if) sex should come into the picture. Do they want the same things I want? On and on and on....

You see, forty-somethings are more experienced at life than a twenty-something and usually more independent and know what they want out of life. But you never quite know what stage the other is in and what kind of experiences he or she has had and how that affects the way he or she thinks about dating or the opposite sex in general. Those things above were pretty simple at 25 or even 35. Most of that stuff you didn't really think too much about. You just did it if it felt right. You pretty much just took things as they come. At forty-something, time becomes more of a factor. How much time do I put into a relationship before I can tell if it's going to go anywhere? You want to be fair to yourself and to the person you're dating to give it a fair chance at success. However, my last serious girlfriend went about 2 years longer than it should have. That time could've been spent dating other women. Who knows? Maybe I would've met someone else in that time and been married by now!

I guess with me, it's about not being single anymore. I've been single for the much better part of 16 years. With the exception of the three year relationship and a few relationships that lasted a few months each, I've been single. But for most of that time, I didn't really think too much about being single because I was raising my kids and they were my focus. I didn't feel any pressure to meet anyone for the most part. I knew I'd be okay as long as I had them and could spend time with them. Now that they are grown (for the most part) I'm alone and find that I am more ready than ever to meet someone that I might eventually want to spend the rest of my life with. Part of it could be attributed to loneliness; part of it is simply the need for closeness. All I know is it's time....I think.

I've actually had the opportunity to date a little lately. It's been fun meeting new people and getting reacquainted with people I've known, but not dated before. I'm trying to be open-minded about everything and just take things as they come without thinking too much. I think that's been a problem for me in past relationships....I think too much and it makes it difficult for me to enjoy dating or the relationship. Perhaps this blog entry IS me thinking too much! All I know is I hope I don't continue to blow things by thinking too much or being stupid or whatever. At my age, it's hard to know how many more chances I might have to get it right!

What is a father?

What makes a father? At church today, the childrens sermon was about fathers; and the lady giving the sermon asked the children what their fathers do with them. She mentioned things like providing for them, playing ball with them . One kid mentioned going on rattlesnake hunts with them (which got a good laugh!). It got me to thinking about what a father really is. It struck me that the things mentioned weren't very nurturing types of things. Being a father to me has meant so many things; much more than providing for and playing ball with them. But I guess the modern day father really must be much, much more than that!



First of all, let me make this one point very clear. Providing sperm for a child does not make you a father. Putting your work before your family does not necessarily make you a father (or at least a good father). Putting things like golf ahead of your family does not make you a good father either. This is something that too many men don't understand until their kids are off to college and they realize that they really don't know them that well. When I went through my divorce, I promised myself I would never be just a "weekend dad". Being a good father has always been the most important thing in the entire world to me. It meant more to me than my job. It even meant more to me than playing golf, meeting women or getting re-married. That wasn't even close! I have not always been a good father, but I was always present in the lives of my children, and they always knew that I would drop anything to be with them if they needed me. But I have made bad decisions in parenting as all parents have. At times when I was lonely and decided it would be okay to introduce a woman into the lives of my kids (and therefore put my own happiness above theirs) it was (at times) a bad decision. But, my children never doubted that they were the most important thing in my life.



I've dated a few women in 15 years, and one disturbing thing came up far too often. (Read my blog about rescuers.) Many of the men these women dated (or were married to) are men you might call "sperm donors". Far too often, it seemed that the "fathers" of the children of the women I dated never saw their children or only saw them occasionally. In fact, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say that nearly 80% of these men saw their kids less than once or twice a month! Most of them saw their kids much less than that if at all! No wonder these women have a hard time trusting men! Another point I want to make clear is that you can not make a man a good father. They either get it or they don't. Look at a good father and oftentimes you see his own father (and sometimes his mother). But more often than not, being a father is a choice. It's a choice you make when you first hold your newborn baby in the hospital. It's a choice you make the first time you wake up at 3 a.m. to a crying baby and get up to give him or her a bottle and rock them gently back to sleep. It's a choice you make when a friend asks you to go out for a beer and you're supposed to take your daughter to her first dance recital. Being a father is all of these choices and many, many more!


Now, my son is off to college and my daughter is close behind; and I often look at them and question whether or not I was a good dad or whether or not I spent enough time with them. I think it's easy to doubt yourself. But I think I did do one thing right. I made a commitment not to be a "weekend dad" and I stuck to it. My kids know how much I love them (I tell them every single day I see them or each day I talk to them). But whenever I start to doubt myself, I simply think of my two kids and what good young adults they've become, and I realize that I must have done something right. I couldn't have asked for two better kids. I'm so lucky to be their father.

Rescuers

Rescuers. It makes us feel better to be with others we feel need our help. It makes us feel better about ourselves. At times, we may succeed in our rescue attempts, even if in small ways. But for the most part, we fail. For these people don't realize they need rescuing; and even if they do, they may not want it. They are used to who they've become and it's always easier to stay with what feels comfortable than to grow and change. What happens when one rescuer meets another rescuer. What happens then? Can they save one another?

A Son's Graduation

Well...last weekend was high school graduation weekend for Salina high schools. That meant that my son, Jordan, would finally achieve his goal of graduating from high school and heading for college.





I'm so proud of my son! Not only did he graduate, but he was at or near the top 10% of his graduating class! He's not always the best at doing homework and studying, but when he has a project to do, he puts a lot of time and energy into making it perfect! Now, he'll be putting that time and energy into studying Architectural Engineering at K-State.


But as for last weekend...what a thrill! It was so emotional for me watching my son walk into the arena with his cap and gown. I really thought I would lose it. A father goes through so many emotions watching his son graduate and become a man. Pride is probably the most dominant emotion. But there's also the emotion of thinking back to when your son was a little boy and you were teaching him to ride a bike, catch a baseball or shoot a basket. I did those things with Jordan, but some of my favorite moments involved the theater. Jordan's first experience with the theater came back in 1996 when he and I were in the musical Oliver together. He was the youngest orphan in the cast at age 5. We also were in The Music Man together twice--once with me as the lead and the second time with him as the lead! He and I were theater buddies. Although I never pushed him into doing theater or music, he very quickly found his love for the same things I haved loved most of my life. Only he's so much better than I ever was! That's what makes me so proud! He's exceeded all my expectations in those areas, but mostly in being the best son a man could ever hope for!


Good luck Jordan! I love you and can't wait to see all the great things you'll accomplish in your life!

45 going on 40

Tomorrow's my birthday. I don't really care much for birthdays anymore. It'll be 45 years for me, and my mind still thinks I'm 35. (I was gonna say 25, but then I just erased all the awesome years I've had with my kids!) Time sure is funny, isn't it? I still remember laying in bed one night when I was 14 and thinking about going to high school next year. I was so nervous about going to school with all the big kids my sister Carola's age! I just remember thinking how four years of high school seemed like an eternity at that time! It's also funny how your perspective on time changes as you grow older!

The last few years haven't been very good for me unfortunately. I think in my mind the thought of growing old and my kids leaving home started creeping into my subconsious. It may have even contributed to many of the arguments my former girlfriend and I had over that time (not "may have"..."did") which eventually led to our separation. I was unhappy; unhappy thinking about growing older and unhappy thinking about losing my kids who have been my life the past 18 years. I finally realized this year that I was dealing with a major mid-life crisis. I had always heard about it, but just thought it was men in their 40s who bought Corvettes and had affairs. I guess that's just how some men deal with it.

Recently, however, I've started coming to grips with where I am in my life. Although it still saddens me terribly to think of my little kids moving away from dad soon, I've realized that the old expression that "you're only as old as you feel" is really true. I decided that if I was going to feel better about where I was in life, it was up to me, and me alone. I lost weight and started working out consistently. I'm trying to start a band again, which I've always wanted to do. I'm dating a real nice girl who I think really likes me regardless of my age and I really like her too (even though she's still just a kid at 33!) Now, I feel so much better, I look better, and realize that it's true...you ARE only as old as you feel. Forty-five's not so bad! I feel better than I did 5 years ago anyway, and that's a good start! Hello 45....look out 50!

My daughter, Shelbi, turns 16 on Monday. That's right, "Sweet 16 and never..." oh well, I guess she's at least sweet 16, even if I know for a fact she HAS been kissed! Shelbi is my youngest. Jordan is now 18 and leaving home soon for the Little Apple in Manhattan to go to K-State. Shelbi is not far behind. When I think of these things happening I sometimes feel a rush of emotion build up that I can't help. My two wonderful little kids have grown up right before my eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop it! But if I could, would I? There's a question for you! Sometimes I long so much to see my little 8 year-old Shelbi again. That little girl with the glint in her eye everytime she looks at her dad. Oh how I loved that look in her eye! Now, she's got a boyfriend that gives her that glint and she rarely has time to spend with good 'ol dad anymore. Jordan is so busy with his senior year in school that dad isn't much more than the housekeeper that washes his clothes and sometimes feeds him when he has time to stop and eat. But if I could turn back the hands of time, would I? I so enjoy watching my kids turn into adults! I'm always amazed at what wonderful young adults they've become! I guess it just seems to all have flown by so fast that I realize how much of their youth I missed and wish I could have some of it back.

Random Things About Me

The following are Random Things About Me that I posted on MySpace and Facebook. I thought I'd share it here too.

1. My friends and family are the most important thing in the world to me. Once you are in my inner circle of friends, you are my family and will always be.
2. I love my kids so much it hurts. They continue to do things every single day that make me proud to be their dad.
3. My son turns 18 in a little more than a week. Watching him grow up has been like watching myself grow up all over again only much, much better. He's so much smarter than I ever was!
4. My daughter is the prettiest girl I know and is much smarter than she thinks she is or maybe wants to be. She has a heart of gold!
5. I've never been one to hang out in cliques. I have just a few close friends, but I have no doubt that they are all friends for life.
6. My personal philosophy is "Work to live and not the other way around." I work hard when I work but I always take time for my family.
7. Although I love working as an insurance agent, I never in a million years thought that's what I would be doing at this age.
8. My brother is my best friend, but sometimes he drives me absolutely nuts!
9. My mom is the most generous, loving, dependable person I know. Period.
10. I have always dreamed of singing with an orchestra. If I ever have a terminal illness and am granted one final wish, that's what I want to do.
11. I'm really very introverted, but try to make people believe that I'm not.
12. My brother is doing with his life what I've always wanted to do. I'm not envious, but proud. He's really good!
13. By the way...after 26 years, I am finally starting my own band! Yeah!
14. I have been fortunate enough to have been in love four times in my life (once married). Unfortunately, non of them stuck. Hopefully the next will be my last!
15. I can't seem to make up my mind which school I love the most...KU or K-State. I let my brother think it's KU so he can have fun making fun of me when I go to K-State games.
16. I got my teaching license from K-State but don't teach anymore. Did I mention I used to teach computer and business classes at South High School?
17. I'm pretty liberal in my political beliefs. If you get me started on politics it's hard to get me to shut up.
18. I'm trying real hard to remember that just because others have differing views it doesn't mean that they're wrong...just that they differ from me.
19. I hate being single, but I know there is someone out there just waiting for me. I just don't get out enough to find her.
20. I have been very blessed in this life! Sometimes I forget how blessed I am.
21. I love everything about the theater, but don't think I'm a very good actor. I get typecast as a leading actor in musicals because I can sing, but have always wanted to do more plays so I could become a better actor. I also want to direct someday.
22. I love dogs. My dog Maggie Mae has been with me for 14 years...throughout many trying times in my life. She always loves me unconditionally regardless of my moods or if I fed her 2 hours late. She's always there for me when others may not have been.
23. I want to learn how to swing dance and ballroom dance.
24. I often allow people to walk all over me in order to keep the peace and not argue. I hate arguing!
25. I have two blogs that I write in on a regular basis. www.myspace.com/alexlankhorst and http://alexlankhorst.blogspot.com.

More on Obama...

I got to thinking about my previous blog I wrote today (read below) and realized that, although I feel all those things I said, it was pretty much the same feelings I'm sure many of you feel at this time. I guess I feel like I should be a little more candid about my real, individual feelings about the new administration.

Those of you who know me, know that I am a democrat and that I disliked the Bush Administration fiercly. But this isn't just about my dislike for what George W. and his administration was. Eight years ago when Bush took office, I was very disappointed as many fellow democrats were. I felt (as did Gore) robbed by the election. I felt like the American people were robbed. Then after we invaded Iraq and were lied to by the Bush administration for why we went into Iraq, I felt betrayed. Then after Bush was elected for a second term I felt like the American people were just plain stupid for giving this man a second chance! I felt like Bush used fear tactics to win the election over Kerry and falsely accused a true war hero of being less than what he was. For the next four years I felt like we, the American people, got what we deserved for electing this administration for a second term. I was jaded. I was not only disappointed in the American people, I was disappointed in our government. I believe many Americans felt let down by our government as evidenced by the fact that a good majority of incumbents lost their jobs. I never thought I'd feel so negatively about the country I love so much and the leaders of this country.

Watching the inauguration today, I must admit I got a little teary-eyed. After eight years of feeling betrayed and let down by our government and the American people, I feel hope. I feel optimistic about what we as Americans can accomplish. U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, a leading Republican Senator, said it best when he mentioned (I'm not quoting here) that maybe, just maybe, it will now become popular for politicians in Washington to work together to make things happen in Washington. President Obama in such a short time has already shown his ability to reach out to the members of the Republican party. He has shown his willingness to work together with them for a common purpose. And (by estimates) well over 2 million people showed up in Washington to celebrate this new hope we have in America. I believe that Graham and other politicians in Washington will have to take notice. They can't help but see that the American people want our leaders in Washington to solve our problems together and not work to discredit the other side of the aisle. Maybe, just maybe, the American people will reward them for doing their job rather than for the old politics of fear, hate, and negativity towards the other party.

Today, more so than at any other time in my life, I felt proud to be an American and hopeful that our government will begin to work FOR the American people and not for their own political interests. I felt like we really have a chance to be an example to the world of what you can do as a country if you all come together for the common good. That's something those terrorists who hope to bring us down will never be able to defeat. If we all, as a country, come together we can be an example to even those terrorists that wish us harm, that good conquers evil every time.

I'm PROUD to be an American!

I've been thinking a lot about our new president and the new era we are entering as a country. I don't know about you, but I am so proud to be an American today. Not that I haven't been proud to be an American before, but I'm so proud of what we have done by not only electing our first black president, but by choosing a candidate for president that represents hope for our future. He's not only our 44th president, he's a symbol of how far we as a country have come in terms of civil rights and tolerance and equality. Yes, we still have a ways to go for sure. But to many of my generation and the generation before me, it would have seemed impossible that we would have lived to see a black man or woman be sworn in as President of the United States in our lifetime. I can only imagine the hope that brings to so many children of not only black ancestry, but children of all minorities, that anything is possible. Children whose own parents may have discouraged them from dreaming big are now saying with complete confidence to their children that "you can be anything you want to be!" I believe the events of this day give us as a country more credibility around the world to people and countries who may have judged us as a people unjustly. They may not have given us the credit we deserve for being people of compassion and fairness; of tolerance and righteousness. I believe President Obama exudes and represents these qualities. By electing this man by such a clear margin, we have told the world that this is the type of country we are and want to be. We are that country. I'm proud to be a citizen of that type of country. I'm proud to be an American.