First of all, let me make this one point very clear. Providing sperm for a child does not make you a father. Putting your work before your family does not necessarily make you a father (or at least a good father). Putting things like golf ahead of your family does not make you a good father either. This is something that too many men don't understand until their kids are off to college and they realize that they really don't know them that well. When I went through my divorce, I promised myself I would never be just a "weekend dad". Being a good father has always been the most important thing in the entire world to me. It meant more to me than my job. It even meant more to me than playing golf, meeting women or getting re-married. That wasn't even close! I have not always been a good father, but I was always present in the lives of my children, and they always knew that I would drop anything to be with them if they needed me. But I have made bad decisions in parenting as all parents have. At times when I was lonely and decided it would be okay to introduce a woman into the lives of my kids (and therefore put my own happiness above theirs) it was (at times) a bad decision. But, my children never doubted that they were the most important thing in my life.
I've dated a few women in 15 years, and one disturbing thing came up far too often. (Read my blog about rescuers.) Many of the men these women dated (or were married to) are men you might call "sperm donors". Far too often, it seemed that the "fathers" of the children of the women I dated never saw their children or only saw them occasionally. In fact, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say that nearly 80% of these men saw their kids less than once or twice a month! Most of them saw their kids much less than that if at all! No wonder these women have a hard time trusting men! Another point I want to make clear is that you can not make a man a good father. They either get it or they don't. Look at a good father and oftentimes you see his own father (and sometimes his mother). But more often than not, being a father is a choice. It's a choice you make when you first hold your newborn baby in the hospital. It's a choice you make the first time you wake up at 3 a.m. to a crying baby and get up to give him or her a bottle and rock them gently back to sleep. It's a choice you make when a friend asks you to go out for a beer and you're supposed to take your daughter to her first dance recital. Being a father is all of these choices and many, many more!
Now, my son is off to college and my daughter is close behind; and I often look at them and question whether or not I was a good dad or whether or not I spent enough time with them. I think it's easy to doubt yourself. But I think I did do one thing right. I made a commitment not to be a "weekend dad" and I stuck to it. My kids know how much I love them (I tell them every single day I see them or each day I talk to them). But whenever I start to doubt myself, I simply think of my two kids and what good young adults they've become, and I realize that I must have done something right. I couldn't have asked for two better kids. I'm so lucky to be their father.
