45 going on 40

Tomorrow's my birthday. I don't really care much for birthdays anymore. It'll be 45 years for me, and my mind still thinks I'm 35. (I was gonna say 25, but then I just erased all the awesome years I've had with my kids!) Time sure is funny, isn't it? I still remember laying in bed one night when I was 14 and thinking about going to high school next year. I was so nervous about going to school with all the big kids my sister Carola's age! I just remember thinking how four years of high school seemed like an eternity at that time! It's also funny how your perspective on time changes as you grow older!

The last few years haven't been very good for me unfortunately. I think in my mind the thought of growing old and my kids leaving home started creeping into my subconsious. It may have even contributed to many of the arguments my former girlfriend and I had over that time (not "may have"..."did") which eventually led to our separation. I was unhappy; unhappy thinking about growing older and unhappy thinking about losing my kids who have been my life the past 18 years. I finally realized this year that I was dealing with a major mid-life crisis. I had always heard about it, but just thought it was men in their 40s who bought Corvettes and had affairs. I guess that's just how some men deal with it.

Recently, however, I've started coming to grips with where I am in my life. Although it still saddens me terribly to think of my little kids moving away from dad soon, I've realized that the old expression that "you're only as old as you feel" is really true. I decided that if I was going to feel better about where I was in life, it was up to me, and me alone. I lost weight and started working out consistently. I'm trying to start a band again, which I've always wanted to do. I'm dating a real nice girl who I think really likes me regardless of my age and I really like her too (even though she's still just a kid at 33!) Now, I feel so much better, I look better, and realize that it's true...you ARE only as old as you feel. Forty-five's not so bad! I feel better than I did 5 years ago anyway, and that's a good start! Hello 45....look out 50!

My daughter, Shelbi, turns 16 on Monday. That's right, "Sweet 16 and never..." oh well, I guess she's at least sweet 16, even if I know for a fact she HAS been kissed! Shelbi is my youngest. Jordan is now 18 and leaving home soon for the Little Apple in Manhattan to go to K-State. Shelbi is not far behind. When I think of these things happening I sometimes feel a rush of emotion build up that I can't help. My two wonderful little kids have grown up right before my eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop it! But if I could, would I? There's a question for you! Sometimes I long so much to see my little 8 year-old Shelbi again. That little girl with the glint in her eye everytime she looks at her dad. Oh how I loved that look in her eye! Now, she's got a boyfriend that gives her that glint and she rarely has time to spend with good 'ol dad anymore. Jordan is so busy with his senior year in school that dad isn't much more than the housekeeper that washes his clothes and sometimes feeds him when he has time to stop and eat. But if I could turn back the hands of time, would I? I so enjoy watching my kids turn into adults! I'm always amazed at what wonderful young adults they've become! I guess it just seems to all have flown by so fast that I realize how much of their youth I missed and wish I could have some of it back.

Random Things About Me

The following are Random Things About Me that I posted on MySpace and Facebook. I thought I'd share it here too.

1. My friends and family are the most important thing in the world to me. Once you are in my inner circle of friends, you are my family and will always be.
2. I love my kids so much it hurts. They continue to do things every single day that make me proud to be their dad.
3. My son turns 18 in a little more than a week. Watching him grow up has been like watching myself grow up all over again only much, much better. He's so much smarter than I ever was!
4. My daughter is the prettiest girl I know and is much smarter than she thinks she is or maybe wants to be. She has a heart of gold!
5. I've never been one to hang out in cliques. I have just a few close friends, but I have no doubt that they are all friends for life.
6. My personal philosophy is "Work to live and not the other way around." I work hard when I work but I always take time for my family.
7. Although I love working as an insurance agent, I never in a million years thought that's what I would be doing at this age.
8. My brother is my best friend, but sometimes he drives me absolutely nuts!
9. My mom is the most generous, loving, dependable person I know. Period.
10. I have always dreamed of singing with an orchestra. If I ever have a terminal illness and am granted one final wish, that's what I want to do.
11. I'm really very introverted, but try to make people believe that I'm not.
12. My brother is doing with his life what I've always wanted to do. I'm not envious, but proud. He's really good!
13. By the way...after 26 years, I am finally starting my own band! Yeah!
14. I have been fortunate enough to have been in love four times in my life (once married). Unfortunately, non of them stuck. Hopefully the next will be my last!
15. I can't seem to make up my mind which school I love the most...KU or K-State. I let my brother think it's KU so he can have fun making fun of me when I go to K-State games.
16. I got my teaching license from K-State but don't teach anymore. Did I mention I used to teach computer and business classes at South High School?
17. I'm pretty liberal in my political beliefs. If you get me started on politics it's hard to get me to shut up.
18. I'm trying real hard to remember that just because others have differing views it doesn't mean that they're wrong...just that they differ from me.
19. I hate being single, but I know there is someone out there just waiting for me. I just don't get out enough to find her.
20. I have been very blessed in this life! Sometimes I forget how blessed I am.
21. I love everything about the theater, but don't think I'm a very good actor. I get typecast as a leading actor in musicals because I can sing, but have always wanted to do more plays so I could become a better actor. I also want to direct someday.
22. I love dogs. My dog Maggie Mae has been with me for 14 years...throughout many trying times in my life. She always loves me unconditionally regardless of my moods or if I fed her 2 hours late. She's always there for me when others may not have been.
23. I want to learn how to swing dance and ballroom dance.
24. I often allow people to walk all over me in order to keep the peace and not argue. I hate arguing!
25. I have two blogs that I write in on a regular basis. www.myspace.com/alexlankhorst and http://alexlankhorst.blogspot.com.

More on Obama...

I got to thinking about my previous blog I wrote today (read below) and realized that, although I feel all those things I said, it was pretty much the same feelings I'm sure many of you feel at this time. I guess I feel like I should be a little more candid about my real, individual feelings about the new administration.

Those of you who know me, know that I am a democrat and that I disliked the Bush Administration fiercly. But this isn't just about my dislike for what George W. and his administration was. Eight years ago when Bush took office, I was very disappointed as many fellow democrats were. I felt (as did Gore) robbed by the election. I felt like the American people were robbed. Then after we invaded Iraq and were lied to by the Bush administration for why we went into Iraq, I felt betrayed. Then after Bush was elected for a second term I felt like the American people were just plain stupid for giving this man a second chance! I felt like Bush used fear tactics to win the election over Kerry and falsely accused a true war hero of being less than what he was. For the next four years I felt like we, the American people, got what we deserved for electing this administration for a second term. I was jaded. I was not only disappointed in the American people, I was disappointed in our government. I believe many Americans felt let down by our government as evidenced by the fact that a good majority of incumbents lost their jobs. I never thought I'd feel so negatively about the country I love so much and the leaders of this country.

Watching the inauguration today, I must admit I got a little teary-eyed. After eight years of feeling betrayed and let down by our government and the American people, I feel hope. I feel optimistic about what we as Americans can accomplish. U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, a leading Republican Senator, said it best when he mentioned (I'm not quoting here) that maybe, just maybe, it will now become popular for politicians in Washington to work together to make things happen in Washington. President Obama in such a short time has already shown his ability to reach out to the members of the Republican party. He has shown his willingness to work together with them for a common purpose. And (by estimates) well over 2 million people showed up in Washington to celebrate this new hope we have in America. I believe that Graham and other politicians in Washington will have to take notice. They can't help but see that the American people want our leaders in Washington to solve our problems together and not work to discredit the other side of the aisle. Maybe, just maybe, the American people will reward them for doing their job rather than for the old politics of fear, hate, and negativity towards the other party.

Today, more so than at any other time in my life, I felt proud to be an American and hopeful that our government will begin to work FOR the American people and not for their own political interests. I felt like we really have a chance to be an example to the world of what you can do as a country if you all come together for the common good. That's something those terrorists who hope to bring us down will never be able to defeat. If we all, as a country, come together we can be an example to even those terrorists that wish us harm, that good conquers evil every time.

I'm PROUD to be an American!

I've been thinking a lot about our new president and the new era we are entering as a country. I don't know about you, but I am so proud to be an American today. Not that I haven't been proud to be an American before, but I'm so proud of what we have done by not only electing our first black president, but by choosing a candidate for president that represents hope for our future. He's not only our 44th president, he's a symbol of how far we as a country have come in terms of civil rights and tolerance and equality. Yes, we still have a ways to go for sure. But to many of my generation and the generation before me, it would have seemed impossible that we would have lived to see a black man or woman be sworn in as President of the United States in our lifetime. I can only imagine the hope that brings to so many children of not only black ancestry, but children of all minorities, that anything is possible. Children whose own parents may have discouraged them from dreaming big are now saying with complete confidence to their children that "you can be anything you want to be!" I believe the events of this day give us as a country more credibility around the world to people and countries who may have judged us as a people unjustly. They may not have given us the credit we deserve for being people of compassion and fairness; of tolerance and righteousness. I believe President Obama exudes and represents these qualities. By electing this man by such a clear margin, we have told the world that this is the type of country we are and want to be. We are that country. I'm proud to be a citizen of that type of country. I'm proud to be an American.

Allen Fieldhouse

James Naismith, Phog Allen, Wilt Chamberlain, Bud Stallworth, Jo Jo White, Roy Williams...the list goes on and on like a Who's Who of college basketball. University of Kansas basketball. No program in the world has a richer tradition. For me, it all started back around 1974 when I went to Allen Fieldhouse (the legendary home of KU basketball since March 1, 1955) with my dad to watch my first college basketball game. It was against Notre Dame and Coach Digger Phelps, which at the time was a national powerhouse basketball program. Rick Suttle, Danny Knight, Tom Kivisto, Donnie Von Moore, Norm Cook...names I will always remember from that team. I actually played high school basketball with Danny Knight's younger brothers, Kelly and James, who both played Division I basketball...Kelly with KU from 1979-1983. We went to another game a couple of years later to see KU beat Colorado. On that team was one of my favorites, Roger Morningstar. Roger Morningstar's son, Brady, is now a starter for KU.

At last, some 30 years later I walked into the hallowed halls of Allen Fieldhouse. I gotta tell ya...I got chills. I've always been a huge fan of KU and rarely miss a game on TV; but I've just never been back to a game there mostly due to the high price and availability of tickets. This year I decided that it had been long enough. Jackson State is no Notre Dame or even Colorado, but it was still a fun game to watch and mostly just great being in that field house and listening to the "Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk" echo throughout the arena when the game's outcome had all but been decided. Just absorbing the atmosphere was worth the $55 ticket price. We literally sat IN the rafters as I bumped my head into one on several occasions as I was getting up to use the restroom or take a picture. But the seats were still at mid-court and had an awesome view of everything!

I only hope it won't be another 30 years before I return again.

President Obama!

I am so happy for America!!! Last night was a historic night whether you are Republican or Democrat. Electing Barack Obama as our first black president gives me hope that maybe...finally Americans are looking past a persons skin color and voting for him because of the person and what he hopes to accomplish for this country. It gives me hope that we are finally getting to the point where the younger generation is no longer looking at color as a way of judging who a person is inside. Children don't see color as an indication of a person's worth until an adult tells them that there's a difference. Hopefully this will lead to our next woman president or our first Hispanic president or (dare I say it!)....GAY president!

Twisting the Truth: Obama's Tax Plan

With election day drawing nearer (thank God!), there is just so much misinformation out there and headline breaking news that I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll start with taxes, since it's such a hot button with Republicans.

A Republican friend of a friend on Facebook was arguing with my friend over Obama's tax plan. She stated what McCain and the other Republicans have been saying for a year. They are purposely twisting what Obama has said to make it seem like we are all being fooled and lied to by Obama. Just ask Joe the Plumber...McCain used him as an example to skew the truth and downright lie about Obama's plans to tax him.

What they (Republicans) are saying about Obama's tax plan is this: Everyone, businesses included, that make over $250K per year will be taxed more heavily than those making less than $250K. Their argument is that a good percentage of small business makes over $250K per year, which is true. However, when asked point blank on Larry King Live a while back, and also clarified during the debates and on http://www.barackobama.com/, Obama made it clear that he only plans on taxing the PERSONAL INCOME of individuals and families that make over $250K per year. In other words, a business can make over $250K per year and be taxed the same as other small businesses. However, if the owner or CEO or anyone else working for that small business takes home a PERSONAL income of over $250K per year, he or she will be taxed higher.

Now...I would bet that over 80% of Americans make less than $250K per year. Obama's plan is that no one making under $250K per year in PERSONAL INCOME will pay ANY federal income tax! The richest of the rich have been getting off easy under Republican rule due to Republican's belief in trickle down economics, which has been proven not to work. Can anyone who listens to the news and knows what has been happening with Enron, Lehman Bros, AIG, Fannie Mae, etc., etc., etc., say with a straight face that they believe that CEOs and other executives at large wealthy corporations will be thinking about their employees first if they have a banner year probably due to not paying any taxes? Not a chance! They are going to give themselves a huge bonus including free trips, homes, cash, cars, executive vacations at 5 star resorts (known as business trips by AIG execs), etc., etc., etc. Obama believes that the middle class (those with a personal income of less than $250K) deserve a break for a change! I think he's right!

Baby Christian

Well...we just got back from a long weekend with baby Christian, my sister Christel and her family in St. Paul, Minnesota. Let me just say that Christian is the most beautiful baby I've seen since Shelbi was born! (See pictures) He's only two months old, so he is just starting to recognize people other than his parents and doesn't do much but sleep and poop, but he is starting to develop his own personality already. And he just LOVES his Uncle Alex! Just when I thought I would never want more kids of my own, holding Christian and seeing him respond to me (oh so slightly) makes me wish for another little one around! Hopefully, the feeling will go away when I don't see him for a while! LOL Having a girlfriend first could be an important step, however!

Let's see...other than spending time with Christian and the rest of the family, we went to the Mall of America for an afternoon. I bought a new pair of jeans that were size 34 waist! My size a month ago was 38! I also bought a large shirt which is a size smaller than before! So, that pretty much made my day and gave me even more incentive to continue watching my diet and exercising every day. We also went scootering around town with Christel's scooter and Paul cooked us an awesome meal of roasted pork one evening. They bought a new home when Christel was pregnant, and it is really beautiful in a nice neighborhood in South Saint Paul.

That's about it! Enjoy the pics!

Jealousy

What is it about jealousy that makes us so crazy? Why are so many people jealous and what makes us feel that way? I know jealousy is not considered one of the "Seven Deadly Sins" in the bible, but maybe it should be. It can be such a destructive thing.

I am not normally a jealous person, or at least I try not to let it show. I have tried to not let it destroy my relationships like it does so many people. Jealousy leads to possessiveness which can destroy relationships. I just hate it when the person you care for uses jealousy as a weapon to either hurt you or find out how much you care for them. I experienced some jealousy tonight and I just hated it! But I think the person that made me jealous did so on purpose, and that I dislike even more. Do people do that because of their own insecurities? I'm quite sure that you become jealous because you have insecurities either about yourself or about your relationship with that person or both. In my case, it has more to do with my insecurities with the relationship because I know the relationship is still very fragile. But I've decided not to let it bother me...or at least to not let that person know that it bothers me. Because (believe me) I am bothered by it! I had such a hard time getting what was said out of my mind that I started calling people to see if they could get me out of the house and take my mind off of it. But, alas, none was available. I did, at least, speak to a friend for awhile and that helped. But I've decided to try my best to not let it get to me. I was planning on texting or emailing that person who made me jealous to let them know how I felt, but I decided to not give them the satisfaction of knowing. But, sooner or later, if this topic continues to come up when we talk I'll have no choice but to let them know that I think it's innappropriate.

Jo Jo

We lost our dog Jo Jo today. He had been very sick lately and had spent the past few days at the veterinary hospital. It became evident that he was only getting worse and so my mother and father made the decision to put him to sleep. I know how hard of a decision that was for both of them as I know they loved him very much. We all did. He was as much my dog as he was theirs. Twelve years ago, Jo Jo came walking up to me in my front yard without a collar, without a home. We had recently lost our last dog, Nina, (whom I also found as a stray), and Mom wasn't ready for another dog. But Jo Jo melted her heart immediately and he's been part of our family ever since; as much a part as any one of us. It still hasn't sunk in. I have yet to shed a tear. I think I'm in a state of shock and denial, really. I'm sure when I come over on Sunday for lunch and he's not there to great me at the door or by running to my car to say Hi, it'll become real to me. We love you Jo Jo and will miss you so much!

The following was a tribute to Jo Jo written by my father.

He was with us for fourteen years. They were

wonderful years and wonderful memories of walks

in the neighborhood, frolicking on a Florida

beach, or just sitting near us as he looked at

the world outside our glass front door. He was a

wonderful and close companion who gave us

unconditional love and trust, even during the

difficult last few days of his life. With deep

sadness we had to let him go. As difficult as

it was for us make the decision, it was not fair

to him to let him suffer any longer.

His name was JoJo. We will miss him terribly, for

he was more than a pet--he was our beloved friend.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness. We've heard about it since we were little kids. We've been taught forgiveness at church, from our parents, from our teachers, and yet it's still such a hard thing for people to do. To TRULY forgive someone (to me) means that we are able to stop feeling resentment or anger towards someone for something we feel the other has done to harm them and to FORGET about what happened and go on with your life. To truly put aside any feelings of illwill towards the other person for that offense. To forget about that wrong and go on without feeling that resentment.

That's the hard part, isn't it? To forget. I'll admit, it's been very hard for me to forgive some people in my life. Many people say they have forgiven others, but have they forgotten enough to be able to go on with their lives as if the offense didn't happen? When they see that person again, do they still have those lingering feelings of anger or resentment? Do they still bring it up occasionally when something happens that reminds them of the incident? I can be accused of that and I was wrong each time I did it. But why do some people have such a hard time moving past those things and going forward with their life? Life is hard enough without harboring old resentments and anger.

I don't know the answer of how to forgive and forget. But I know that Jesus forgave his persecutors that hung him on the cross. I will try my best to truly forgive all those who have hurt me. I hope those who feel I have hurt them will let me know how they feel, and then try their best to forgive me.

One week to go!

Well...one week to go on my purification diet! Woo Hoooo! I'm not sure exactly how much I've lost to date because I haven't checked since last Wednesday. As of last Wednesday, I was down to 190 which means that I had lost 9 pounds after 10 days on the diet. My hopeful guess is that I am at about 186 now, but that may be a little optimistic. I've cheated a few times this weekend...mostly by drinking alcohol. But I still feel great and am getting a lot of complements on my weight loss. Even Shelbi's friend told her today that she didn't realize what a good-lookin' dad she had! She told me when I came out to her car that she thought I was Jordan! Funny!

The downside is that I've started smoking a little. I've been a little down lately regarding some issues with my ex-girlfriend and that evening she just happened to call and we got into an argument. As I was already feeling pretty crappy, that made me even more depressed and I bought a pack. Well...one cigarette led to another and I'm smoking about 5 a day now....more when I go out. I'll tackle quitting smoking as soon as this diet is over. One goal at a time!

Chili Cook-off

I forgot to post this the other day, so I thought I'd do it now. My family, minus Shelbi :( , went to the chili cook-off at (what used to be called-and not sure what it's called now) Santa Fe Days on Saturday. The weather was perfect! It has turned into a very well-attended Salina event that lasts most of the day beginning with a downtown parade first thing in the morning. But the chili cook-off has become a tradition for me each year. We just LOVE tasting all the different varieties of homemade chili! I did miss having Shelbi, Angelina and Marquix with us this year, but it was still a good time. The only thing I hated about it this year, is that I couldn't taste any of the chili!!! I am on my purification diet, so all I could do was smell the glorious aroma of that wonderful chili! Also, The New Dawn Singers (Jordan's high school singing group) performed and did a wonderful job! I think they are as good or better than last year, and last year's group was the best I'd ever heard! Peace!

The Producers Final Curtain

Today, we did our last show of The Producers at SCT. The experience was bittersweet for me and most everyone involved. You're glad to finally have some free time in the evenings and weekends, but you hate to say goodbye to all your new friends.

What a great experience it was! Although the audiences weren't as large as everyone hoped, the experience for everyone involved was one we will not soon forget. Of all the shows I've done in the past, this one was probably the best. My only regret is that more people didn't come to see it. It was a very veteran and close knit cast of people from all walks of life that came together each evening and just had a great time! It was the first play that my friend Gary Demuth and I have done together for several years. But I also made several new friends that I hope to call my friends for many years to come. I want to thank everyone who had a part in putting this production together and especially the other cast members for being so amazingly positive and fun throughout the entire run from rehearsals until the final curtain. I love you all and hope to see you again real soon!

Dating in your 40s

I'm a divorced, father of two teenagers and have been divorced for 14 years. When I first got divorced I thought it was very important for me to spend as much quality time with my kids as possible, especially since I only saw them part-time. When it was my weekend with my kids, I rarely ever did anything with anyone but them. Occasionally I would be in a relationship and we would get a babysitter, but that was so seldom I could probably count those times on one hand. My friend John is the same way. He has been divorced probably 10 years now and is just like me about spending time with other people on his weekend with the kids. I basically sacrificed being single in my 30's for time with my kids. Not that I didn't have any relationships because I did. But none of them ever panned out for me. That wasn't my priority. But I wouldn't change that at all. I loved watching my kids grow up and trying to be a good dad for them. My entire identity for as long as I can remember was about how good a father I am/was. John is still single as well and has probably dated less than I have. Our focus was definitely on making sure our kids knew they had loving fathers, and that's a good thing.

Now that we're both in our 40s and our kids are in high school, we find ourselves alone a lot. Is it possible that we could've been good fathers and still maintained strong relationships with our kids? Our kids are awesome and I attribute much of that to them having strong fathers who gave them the love they needed while they were growing up. But now that I don't see them very much I find myself in an awkward state of mind. I no longer know how to date. It's much easier for me to just go out with a buddy or stay home than it is for me to call a girl and ask her out. I'm not sure if that's even how it's done these days. I met my last girlfriend on the internet, but it's such an impersonal, sterile environment to meet someone. We were together for 3 years and called it quits almost a year ago. I haven't been on a date since then (except for an occasional lunch date with a friend of mine who is also divorced and spends all her free time with her kids). That's a year, folks! And a year (at my age) is a precious thing!

When I talk to my kids, it seems as though kids don't "date" anymore. They "hook up" or "hang out". (I hope "hook up" doesn't mean the same thing it meant when I was in high school!) In other words, they go out with friends and meet other friends out. They hang out in groups until they gradually separate themselves from the group with someone else from the group and become a couple. What if you're 44 and don't have a group anymore?? What is it that women in their 30s and 40s are looking for? (I'd say 20s, but at my age that may be pushing my limits a little!) How do you meet them? Part of the problem is that there aren't many places to meet women in their 30s and 40s in Salina. I refuse to "hook up" with a girl I've met at a bar. My church doesn't have many single women around that age, and that's kind of awkward for me too. I try to be involved in the Community Theater as often as possible, but most of the women who do that are also married or just too young.

Any ideas? Please comment...I'd really like to know!

Day One Down

Well...Day 1 of my purification diet is almost history. My friend Dean, who told me about the diet and lost 25 pounds on it, recommended I start today or even after the play ended because he said my stomach may not take it to well for the first few days. I was originally planning on Saturday.

For those of you who aren't aware of what a purification diet does, it completely rids your body of toxins that have built up over time, completely cleansing your liver, kidneys, skin, etc., and best of all losing weight! It can even cure certain ailments such as headaches, bone and muscle aches and pains, etc. You end up tasting your food better, having more energy, feeling like you're 25 again! (Or so I've been told.) Basically, you eat nothing but fresh or frozen vegetables and fruits for 21 days. After 10 days, you can eat a little meat, but only minimal. The shakes you drink and nutritional supplements give you the nutrients you may be missing and help to flush your system.

I got pretty hungry this afternoon. I had an egg and vegetable omelette for lunch (you can eat egg periodically for protein) and a banana and shake for breakfast. But I didn't eat at all until 7:30 and was starved by then! (I ate steamed brocholi, onions and brussel sprouts.) Plus, Anne Hokestra had her 30th birthday today at the theater, and there were two cakes. Everyone was eating away, and I had to just sit and imagine what it might taste like! LOL

I was proud of myself though. It really is a "one day at a time" thing for me. I love eating meat and fast food. That's part of the problem. I had actually lost 10 pounds over the past month by cutting back on fast food, working out daily, and eating more fruits and veges. I was trying to prepare my body for this diet. Hopefully, I can lost another 10-20 pounds. Dean said I can expect to lose a pound a day on this diet. We'll see! Wish me luck!

Times Change

Times change and you adapt. My life is changing by the minute. Some good...some bad. But you live, learn, adapt, and make your life better. Most of you who dare to read this blog know that I have been struggling with the loss of a loved one. A woman I loved dearly has chosen to go on with her life without me. I'm saddened by it, but also know that people must do what they feel they need to do for themselves in order to survive this strange and wonderful world we live in. It will be tough for me, but I will support her as her friend.

My kids are in high school now, and that means I'm alone A LOT! Shelbi has a new job, cheerleading and a new boyfriend (that's a whole other conversation!) so she spends a lot of time with him and Jordan has work, theater, and his music to occupy his time. Dad just isn't as important as he was when they were in grade school. But I will continue to try to spend what time I can with them and go to as many of their activities as I can. I'm just so thankful that my kids have a good head on their shoulders and do their best to make good decisions.

Another change going on in my life is I am starting a purification diet this week. It will help me to rid my body of all its toxins and allow me to lose some weight in the process. Now, I'm not fat, but I could stand to lose a few pounds. It's that middle age, middle section 20. I've actually lost about 10 pounds over the past few weeks just eating right and exercising. But this will allow me to lose as many as 20-25 pounds in 3 weeks and purify my body at the same time. It's going to be tough at times, but I figure it's only 3 weeks out of my life. Hopefully, through proper diet and exercise, I can keep the weight off permenantly.
As always...I welcome your comments!

Fashion Show

I thought I'd post a few photos of my son, Jordan, at the Central Mall Fall Fashion Show yesterday. He sure takes after his old man, doesn't he?

Choices

Do you ever yearn so much for something that you can't have? Do you ever feel that you know what you need to do, but it's just so hard because doing it means you're giving up something you yourself desire for the sake of another person's needs. Do you ever feel like the choices before you aren't very good? You can choose to satisfy your own selfish needs and cause unhappiness for another or you can sacrifice your own happiness in order to give someone theirs. I know what Jesus would say. But doing it is so much harder than being selfish. I guess I should just be happy for the other person and try to remember all the things I have that God has blessed me with and be thankful. Sometimes I feel my whole life just slipping through my fingers as if all I once had was just an illusion: the girl, the happy family, the life you always wanted. I just feel at such a loss these days. I want to hold on to that life as long as I can, but doing it is only alienating the one person I want to hold onto. The hardest part is letting go of the friendship. But maybe by letting go I might someday have the friendship. Let her go Alex. Let that life go. Show your love by making her happiness more important than your own.